2020: The Year of Relationships’ Silver Linings

This last year is definitely a year that no one will forget. A year that many years from now will still be talked about as one for the history books.

I know so many tragic events took place in 2020 and will continue as we grapple with Covid. I personally know after losing my grandmother to Covid how many Americans will have lost someone, and 2020 will be marked with that loss forever. Nothing can change that. 

But when we really zoom out on the whole year, so many amazing things transpired through the hardships we all had to face. Each and every client, friend and family member I know has been challenged in completely different ways unique to them, but there has been a common theme that has been constant throughout. That theme is that 2020 brought to the surface anything that was subconsciously hidden — things you might have been avoiding that pushed you to be uncomfortable enough to consciously create a breakthrough leading to insight which allowed many to harness wisdom that they would have never reached otherwise. 

I believe Covid pushed us all differently in many ways. We had to face some realities never thought imaginable. We had to question our safety, stay home, look at our lives and revalue what we think is important. I think all relationships were tested and the ones that were meant to last did — and in fact grew stronger. As we made it through the lock down together, we realized just how valuable we were to each other. We all had to pause and look inward, anything you had been avoiding in your relationship bubbled up to the surface. So much good came from that, and being pushed to be still and present with ourselves for the first time in a long time became the catalyst that was so potent and strong it pushed us into real change. 

I experienced many of my single clients struggle as well. A couple of common themes came up. One was that prior to Covid, clients were able to keep their lives so busy with their hobbies and friends that they never really felt too alone. When the pandemic hit and they were stripped from the things that were holding them together, they collapsed.

One of my clients was forced to face her drinking which she was managing (albeit not very well) that finally tipped her over the edge and she decided she had to get sober. Had she not been working from home and not had the opportunity to day drink (not to mention she was extremely smart and high functioning) who knows if she would have ever decided to truly get sober. It had to get bad—she had to feel lost, scared and convinced she needed more help. Covid pushed her. It pushed her to do real work on herself; it pushed her forward and forced her to be so uncomfortable she had no choice but to change. She is sober; she has grown; she has gotten stronger and it was not easy but she is grateful. 

Another client was dating frequently prior to Covid, but always pushed her partners away. She would struggle with really getting vulnerable. Often, dating and enjoying others' company, she would occupy her time with dates and keep busy. Covid stopped her dead in her tracks. She really felt her loneliness for the first time. It allowed her to feel such intense uncomfortable feelings that she decided she was ready to do the deeper work on why she kept pushing people away when she got too close. 

I remember when I looked into her eyes, she said “Covid has been so hard — I have been so alone, I have been avoiding these feelings of loneliness for so long.” She said this as her eyes widened and  tears rolled down her cheek. She was perfectly comfortable with dating and staying busy in her life — but would never get too involved, committed or connected to others. She would run out on her partnerships when things got real and the relationship called for intimacy and vulnerability. Now she had to really look at her behaviors, and I am happy to say that she totally pushed through and worked on her fears. She is now feeling so supported and feels as though she has connected with herself on a much deeper level. Covid helped her to see that the one she was actually running from was her own self, her own internal connection and her own fears. She faced it all — courageously moving through in ways that could not have been done or might have taken years, but with no other options on the table she did the real work. 

There have been many silver linings. Many couples that were in fact struggling prior, actually came out stronger. It’s amazing when a crisis hits we tend to come together to survive. I have seen several couples be reminded of the true value of a partnership. The meaning of having someone when the going gets tough. Often our small complaints drop to the wayside as we are forced to be teammates again. Not that those issues go away, but they take on a whole new perspective. I’m sure those old issues will pop up again but when you get through hardships together you're forced to come together and it actually has the potential to make your relationship incredibly strong. One couple realized later in the year that the things that bothered them were more about them accepting each other for more of who they really are. They also communicated in new ways and had to have many deep conversations which pushed them to grow closer in these vulnerable and trying times. 

Others have walked away from relationships that were no longer serving them. Instead of staying busy, the issues they were avoiding could no longer hide from what had been lingering. At the end of the day, Covid pushed everyone outside their comfort zone causing them to have to rethink what is actually important — what relationships had the substance to last and what friendships would fall to the wayside because having fun was no longer easy. It was the friendships that continued to support each other emotionally that made it. Covid shed a bright light on what was bonding you with someone else and why. It also made you prioritize what and whom was needed. Often we don’t see crisis as a blessing and we don’t look at these hardships as “good times.” But the insight and wisdom we gain when we are uncomfortable is priceless.

Another one of my clients who had come to Florida to heal and move forward was able to reflect on how much she actually wanted to be around her family. I believe she needed to be away and break free from her toxic marriage. She needed the space and the comfort of the warm Florida sunshine. She grew. She was able to get a lot of space in the last few years. And although she is not going back to her toxic marriage, Covid made her so uncomfortable by not being able to see her children, she was able to reflect and say, “it is time to go back” — not for her relationship — but to be around her children and her new grandchild on the way. We forget that we’ve had the luxury of getting on a plane and flying around, giving us so many options. Without those options, we are reminded again of just who we want to be around and why. 

Maybe this year will be a safer year and I know we all can hope for that. But 2020 was a profound year that led to many difficult yet needed changes. Everyone I have helped professionally and people I know personally have been challenged and redirected. Perhaps 2020 turned you 180 degrees in the other direction, and maybe it has been challenging and dark, but more often than not there has been a silver lining in what we have been able to learn individually and grow from. 

We’ve had some collective learning as well. When it comes to relationships, Covid has uncovered the hidden, made what we might have been avoiding glaringly obvious and made it visible so we had no other choice but to feel it all. 

I hope 2021 is a different year — one we can safely move forward in. I think the insights and growth points of 2020 will always be a reminder of how we had to adapt, shift, change and face whatever came to the surface. Relationships were tested and you were probably tested — being asked to pause in uncomfortable moments and be right where you are, unable to escape your reality with constant busyness. It also made you value the people you care most about in life and let go of others who were no longer needed. There is nothing wrong with letting go of others. Often letting go of people creates more space for yourself and new relationships to enter in due time. 

With all the stories above, all these people struggled, but then softened and instead of resisting the struggle or avoiding as they have in the past, they stepped into change and were able to use the hard times in a way to access the ability to transform from their circumstances. Sometimes it takes struggle for us to feel in a way that moves us to create deep changes inside ourselves. We have had to face whatever was waiting below the surface and with great courage I have seen so much change. 

I, personally learned to be more grounded in my own home which was actually so important for me. I am constantly attached to my office, but over the summer I took pleasure in being home, being grounded and being okay with not moving around as much. I looked at friendships, letting go of some and calling old ones back that were special to me. Allowing me to see that all friendships have a natural ebb and flow, I said goodbye to my grandma on one of those phone calls you saw on the news. It gave me profound respect for nurses. It shifted my view on what is important and reminded me to show up for those in my family more.

Overall I am sure we have hardships to share from this totally bizarre, uncomfortable and challenging year. I am simply suggesting that many positive changes came from this trying time and to let those lessons be the silver lining of 2020 as we move forward into 2021 — with more wisdom from what we have all walked through together.