If Someone Is Calling You Needy… You Need to Know This

Personally, I can’t stand the word “needy.” 

It brings up a tone of shame that I have to then work through. But, as it pertains to relationships, it is a word that’s thrown around a lot. Women often get labeled needy, but that doesn’t mean men are spared from the word. What’s important to know is that when you’re labeled “needy,” it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. 

Trust me… I have had my own struggles with the word, and I’ll share some of that with you later. For now, just know that the word needy isn’t really a bad thing… It just has to do with your attachment style. 

An attachment style is simply how you “attach” to your partner in relationships. It’s something that develops when you’re a child, and how you interact with your parents in your early years deeply impacts your relationships as an adult. While there are many attachment styles, the word needy implies you have an “anxious” attachment style. 

If you have an anxious attachment style, you externalize your needs more and might in fact have more needs than other people. Again, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of if that’s you. The key concept to understand is that you have the ability to fulfill most of those needs yourself. You have your own inner ability to become more secure, with or without a partner. I like to refer to this state of security within one’s self as Self-Full®️.

When you’re self-full, you meet most of your needs yourself and establish a sense of security from within. That’s not to say that a partner cannot elevelate you, because they can. But they cannot “save” you or do some of the dirty work that self-security requires. 

Now, without getting too deep into the concept of being self-full, let me further break down what an anxious attachment style is. [Click this link and take a quiz to find out if you have an anxious attachment style.]

Like I said, our attachment style is created in our younger years. If you’re anxious, you probably had inconsistent parenting when you were a kid. Fast forward to adulthood, and you struggle feeling safe in relationships, have lower self-esteem, and activate your nervous system when you don’t get the level of connection you need. You will also struggle with anxiety when you attach to someone, and that anxiety increases if you attach to someone who’s more avoidant. 

It can seem daunting to know that you have an anxious attachment style. When I first found out I had this, I felt broken. It took me a long time to work with the reality of it, heal the anxious little girl inside of me (my inner child), and fully embrace who I am. I now honor all aspects of myself and through some inner work, I believe we can all gain inner security by becoming Self-Full®️.

The work I am referring to wasn’t always easy. I had to learn how to soothe and heal myself with positive internal dialogue. But, all that work has made me an incredibly secure person. It just goes to show that despite our hardwiring, we can work and create safety from within that we may never have dreamed possible.  

One thing to add is that while it takes a lot of inner work to heal, pairing yourself with an avoidant person will be a much harder road. An avoidant attachment style is on the other side of the spectrum as the anxious. Instead of externalizing emotions, they internalize and distance themselves. An extreme avoidant will be very independent, and often won’t want to be needed. That’s because being needed is seen as a burden to them. 

There’s no judgement here, but that’s just why the combination of the anxious and the avoidant is not an easy relationship. Someone who loves connection and having their needs met is not a great match with someone who wants to be distanced. These extremes do attract each other, though, and provide that roller-coaster effect within the relationship. 

Now, every relationship is like a dance, and no matter how much work I do, I will always show up slightly more anxious. So it’s still important to choose your partner wisely. And if you work on your internal world and pick partners that are more secure, without the dismissive qualities of an avoidant, you stand a better chance at a healthy relationship. 

Picking the right partner requires you to first honor your own needs and do some inner work. And the good news is that those with an anxious attachment style are very easy to help because they can easily be moved to a self-full state with some inner work. 

Healing your anxious heart doesn’t just end at picking a healthy partner. I have surrounded myself with people who can be there for me, whereas in the past, I only found those who couldn’t be there. 

In my current relationship, I ask my partner if he ever finds me needy. His response is always something like, “Maybe… But I love that you need me. In fact, I love that I am the one you need.”

I feel so fortunate because not only have I learned how to meet my own needs, but I also have a partner who is okay with me having needs! I feel like I've won the lottery. For anyone who struggles with getting their needs met in their relationships, my situation is a dream come true. 

I encourage you to find someone who is okay with who you are. And don’t get me wrong, it took me a while to fully embrace who I am, to do the inner work, and to pick someone who doesn’t run when you have needs.

I wrote this blog to offer hope. And to be open and transparent with you about what I’ve been through. It’s important to increase the awareness around knowing your attachment style. [Click this link and take a quiz to find out your attachment style.]