Don't Sabotage Your Relationship: The 4 Most Common Ways and How to Fix Them
As we get older and start dating more people, we may find the same patterns playing themselves out within our relationships. Perhaps we always date the same kind of guy or gal, or we always end up making the same mistake that pushes the person away… It’s safe to say we’ve all experienced relationship failures and pains.
As a psychotherapist with a specificity and training in couples work, I see a lot of the same patterns repeating themselves over and over again in my office. Not only do I see consistencies in these patterns, but the patterns themselves are sabotaging my clients’ relationships.
That’s why I wanted to address some of these self-sabotaging patterns. It’s likely you may have experienced some of these yourself, or perhaps you’ve unknowingly sabotaged a relationship or two yourself. These are common patterns that most relationships have faced or will face at some point.
Below, I’ve put together a list of the four most common ways I see couples sabotaging their relationships. These may be patterns or habits you haven’t taken the time to critically look at yet, or perhaps you find you always date people with these patterns and habits. Either way, it’s crucial to spread the word to make sure you’re not getting stuck in some of these self-defeating traps. It’s time to save yourself from relationship doom...
1. The ability to be humble and take ownership. Being able to humble yourself enough to take responsibility for any mistakes or pain you’ve caused your partner is vital to the health and longevity of a relationship. Often, I see the opposite in couples who come into my office… it’s all he said she said and tit for tat. Usually, one person is hurt and the other quickly jumps on the defense, not wanting to admit they may have caused their partner pain. This is a direct result of the pride and shame around taking ownership.
Having the ability to say, “Wow… you know what? I am sorry and I didn’t understand how this or that action may have been affecting you,” is very hard… but again, it’s one of the healthiest ways we can approach arguments or disagreements within our relationships. If there’s anything I’ve learned in all my experience as a therapist, it’s that being right is extremely overrated.
And what happens when one person isn’t strong enough to apologize or to listen to how their actions may be impacting their partner isn’t good… it just leads to a never-ending cycle of who hurt who more. No matter what your partner may have done or not done, it’s still essential to take responsibility for your actions and how they’ve impacted your partner.
It may seem simple, but owning your part helps reduce the conflict and allows for more connection. Sometimes, the inability to validate your partner’s feelings will cause them to act out and escalate the whole dynamic even further. Humility helps you take ownership in what you do, helps you pause and reflect, and also helps you understand that in every partnership, two people have to be willing to talk about the conflict but also take ownership for their part in the conflict.
2. Jealousy. To be honest, I believe that a little bit of jealousy is normal. Sure, we can get a little jealous here and there and it often shows that we care about our partner and our relationship. But, this can also destroy your relationship if it goes overboard…
Things like your partner getting likes on social media or attention from others should not send you in an insecure, downward spiral, if you are confident in yourself and your relationship. In fact, it should make you feel proud. And always remember that social media does not paint the whole picture… it leaves a lot of the reality out of each photo or post.
That’s why jealousy can actually be a sign that you need to dig deeper within yourself. If jealousy is getting out of control in your relationship, check in with yourself and see if this stems from a deeper place of insecurity. Chances are, you may just need reassurance within yourself and perhaps even some reassurance from your partner.
So, if you are struggling with jealousy, look deeper within yourself and see where you might be feeling insecure. Asking for some reassurance from your partner is okay, but getting overly jealous will toxic energy into the relationship. It’s a deadly relationship killer.
3. Expectations. I believe we all start off relationships with unrealistic expectations. Because the beginning is so wonderful, we tend to expect that feeling to last forever… and the outcome of the relationship to be nothing but beauty and excitement. Often, our loved one meets a lot, if not all, of our needs in the beginning. But, it’s just not fair or realistic to believe they will continue to be this way forever.
Not to mention, whatever we were lacking when we met them that they’re now fulfilling will eventually surface. That’s why we cannot place all of our expectations on them to fulfill our deeper needs… we have to fulfill those needs.
This expectation of our loved one to fulfill us entirely happens a lot and often happens unconsciously. Don’t get me wrong, it can be difficult when someone once made us the happiest we’ve been and now they don’t. But, it’s a chance for us to work on making ourselves happy again instead of focusing on what was once there.
At the end of the day, our partner is just another human with human flaws and pains. We cannot put that much pressure on them to be our only source of happiness. We also cannot expect any one person to fulfill all of our needs. In fact, most of those needs are ones that truly need to be fulfilled by us anyways. If we can work on having as few expectations of our partner as possible, while leaning on our own selves for some of our deeper needs, we will find a deeper appreciation and connection for ourselves and our partner.
4. Priorities. With so much going on in our world, it’s easy to let our relationship slide down the priority list after a while. I usually see this with couples who’ve been together for a long time as more and more “things” start entering their lives. Work, kids, responsibilities, hobbies, and even social media all begin to get in the way. I also see this a lot with couples where one partner is very career oriented, or where one partner lets being a parent take them away from being a loved one, too. Once kids come into the picture, the family takes over and one partner stops making an effort because they’re too tired or busy.
But, let’s be real… kids, career, or not… not making our partner a priority is something we’ve all been guilty of, myself included. But making time for your relationship shouldn't ever stop being important to you… no matter how long you’ve been together.
Simple things can fix this error… putting your phone down, planning a date night, or getting out of work mode can all help you remember how important it is to dedicate time to your loved one. It’s important to carve out time to be with your partner with no distractions.
While there are other issues I see with couples, these are the four most common problems I see day in and day out. So, don’t feel bad if you struggle with any or all of these topics as they’re typical in most relationships. As your relationship progresses and changes, so do all of these different factors. But, if you can gain some awareness on where you have to make shifts and where you can personally grow, you can keep yourself from sabotaging your relationship.
Personally, I struggle with social media. It looks like I’m always on my phone because I’m trying to connect with my audience. It’s just part of my job. But, I’m human and it’s something I struggle with. So, I’ve learned to adjust for my partner. I work hard to put boundaries around my phone. I plan date nights and also make it a point to not be on my phone when we are spending quality time together.
Remember that we are all a work in progress. And it’s important to accept that our partner is a human and also working on themselves. That’s why we must own where we have to apply ourselves more in our relationship and continue to show up as our best selves. Because every relationship deserves two people who are trying to be their best selves.