Oftentimes, the idea of love is synonymous with floating on the clouds… we feel a sense of intoxication and we begin to float off into space. As we continue to float higher, feeling more and more enamored, we are saved from all of life’s hassles that we all face. Somehow, waiting in line at the DMV is no longer a chore and filling out mindless paperwork isn’t that boring… we are in a state of constant daydreaming.

In short, the idea of love is that our everyday stressors become easier. Life just becomes easier when we are in love… or should I say a dopamine-induced state of bliss…

The chemical reaction that feels oh so good when we fall in love is also the biggest reason we lose ourselves in the dance of a new partnership. We don’t tend to see it, but it can happen quickly or slowly. And we’ve all been guilty of abandoning our own selves, at some point or another, in the name of love.

When I say we abandon ourselves, I mean this: We become so consumed with the exterior feelings received by this other person (because they can be so damn good), that our focus leaves our interior entirely. We focus more on that external love object than we do our own needs or feelings.

This can even happen in a healthy relationship! Because, let’s face it… We are capable of losing ourselves a little bit, but still coming back into a state of balance between inner and outer sensations. There is a possibility for a middle ground, even when we are falling head over heels. And this kind of healthy relationship still goes on to go through stages and face conflicts, but neither party ends up in a low place of endless self-sacrificing.

And speaking of healthy relationships, most healthy men and women are attracted to strong individuals who speak their truth. It’s important to remember that being in a partnership is not about proving yourself. It’s not about shutting down your voice to fit into the ideals of what the other person likes. That’s not even a partnership… it’s actually just one person trying to control another to assert power and dominance. Not only is that unhealthy, it’s quite boring.

I find that when people fall into these power dynamic roles, like a submissive one, it’s coming from a place of fear and it’s a desire to have someone else make the choices so they therefore feel safer. While it may feel safe, allowing someone to control you blocks you from any personal development and creates the foundation for a relationship that will become stagnant and dependent.

If you feel like I’m speaking about you, don’t worry… There’s a lot of scientific evidence that suggests women who are in a romantic partnership are more likely to focus on making the other person happy. It’s clear that this has been imprinted and passed down in so many ways… by society, pop culture, and generational ideals.

However, this self-sacrificing facade doesn’t work and it needs to end. Two thousand and twenty is about focusing on how you show up for yourself in your relationships. To do this, you must ask yourself some hard questions to break any denial you may have around how you allow yourself to be treated.

Asking yourself the questions below and exploring your answers will not only help you gain more self awareness, but also act as a tool to start some inner change...

1. Do you find yourself more tuned in to your partner’s feelings than your own?

Empathy is a wonderful thing. We should all strive to have it and the lack of it is what creates narcissism and psychopathic behavior. But when we have too much empathy for another person and are so aware of their emotional experience, oops… we forget about our own.

I often find that we can empathize with the “good” parts of another so much that we begin to ignore or excuse other behaviors that may be toxic. If you are an empathic person, start focusing more on your side of the emotional street. Get back in touch with your feelings, and your feelings alone.

2. Are you constantly giving?

In a healthy relationship, there is a flowing exchange of giving and receiving in many ways. We can give in one way, and receive in another way… it’s not contingent upon what was given. There’s simply a flow of give and take that makes the couple feel like a team. But, if you’re in self-sacrifice mode, you’re likely to be giving a lot more than you receive.

You might go out of your way quite often with gestures, gifts, actions, and even making plans. You’re always accommodating the other person’s needs. You may even feel good giving this much… and it is kind to give to others, especially those we love. But, when you’re constantly the giver, you need to look deeper at why that’s the case…

Start exploring why you’re constantly giving. Ask yourself, are you comfortable receiving? Do you feel worthy of receiving more?

3. Do you have an underlying fear that is driving the sacrificing?

Oftentimes, there is a core wound that is driving our need to “be” something for someone else, instead of focusing on who we actually are for ourselves. Some common examples of core wounds are things like: “I am unlovable,” or, “If I don’t please the other person, they will leave me,” or, “I am scared of being alone.” The list goes on and on.

Little do you know, this may be in the subconscious part of your psyche and could be driving more of your actions than you realize. Notice if any of the ones I stated resonated with you… or you may already know what your core wound/fear is. The next step, after establishing the fear, is to start the healing process.

Remember, this is simply a learned belief you’re dealing with. You probably picked it up early on in your life, and the fact of the matter is, it’s not true. Your belief is lying to you. You are loveable… we are all loveable and we do not have to do anything to prove that. The only person you’re really trying to prove that to is yourself. If you have an unchecked or unhealed core wound that’s driving a self-sacrificing fear, it sets up the same pattern for you in every relationship.

4. Do you spend a lot of time thinking and obsessing about your partner?

Some people don't even like to focus on themselves because of what might come up... So, it becomes easier to focus on the other person. When we think and obsess about our partner all the time, we are trying to escape our own feelings… and we place our need for happiness on them. But again… we stop paying attention to our own world and lose touch with what’s going on inside of us. The other person just becomes an escape from our own inner fears… which continues to lead to self-sacrificing behavior.