“Trauma can ignite a fire inside of you that makes you feel an attraction similar to a moth to a flame.” -Jessica Baum

Relationships are complicated… We hear that all the time. And the truth behind why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to can also be complicated because the trauma inside of us can easily be recreated in our relationships. 

What I mean by this is during our childhood we develop wounds, or traumas, based on how our parents treated us. We don't tend to think of these traumas as a big deal because they may not be what the normal person considers to be traumatic. However, they’re very important because regardless of others’ opinions, these traumas can impact us in ways that echo into our adult relationships. 

I don’t mean to scare you. While this seems like a daunting topic, especially if you’ve been playing out childhood traumas in your adult relationships, don’t worry. I want to provide you with a viable solution to this never-ending cycle of trauma bonding today. But before we get to that, let’s dive a little deeper into what’s actually happening here. 

So, let’s talk trauma.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

What I really want to get across is this: trauma is anything that impacts you negativity and leaves an emotional wound. If you have an unresolved, abusive relationship with a parent, this will continue to live inside of you. And when someone you meet has similar traits as your abusive parent(s), it will feel familiar. It’s precisely that familiarity that will draw you in. 

We often don't realize that we are attracted to both the positive and negative traits of our primary care givers. But, we can be. It’s almost inevitable that unresolved trauma will get played out in romantic relationships. This is the premise of trauma bonding.

Some theories suggest this is our subconscious mind trying to resolve old wounds. Even minor traumas, like the feeling “my parents never heard me,” can lead you to be attracted to, or hypersensitive to, someone who struggles to be present with you. They are, in essence, lighting up old wounds within you. 

Don’t Be Fooled by Chemistry

Sorry to break the news, but chemistry isn't always a good thing. When we are attracted to someone who lights up our wounds, we are pulled into a dance with them. The draw tends to be that the relationship never feels boring… In fact, it can feel just like an exciting rollercoaster ride. Let me give you an example…

Picture a woman who struggles with childhood trauma around neglect and abandonment. One day, she walks into a coffee shop on the corner and is drawn to a man she sees… he seems to meet all of her dreams and requirements. Of course, they hit it off. But, when things start to move forward, he panics and pulls away. He later breaks up with her. This rapid shift from intense desire to breakup triggers all of her neglect and abandonment issues. All of the pain surrounding this trauma that she’s stored is then released. She feels completely and utterly destroyed. 

Then, some time later, he decides to come back into her life because he misses her. There’s a rush within her and her inner abandonment feels healed… but only for the moment. This dance between the two of them will only continue. And it doesn’t matter what the core wound is, whether it’s not feeling good enough, feeling unlovable, or feeling unheard… this trauma bonding dance happens very frequently. 

Chemistry can be deceptive because two people can light up each other’s wounds and reenact all of their childhood traumas. That’s why it’s called “trauma bonding.” And the worst part is, these reenactments can feel exciting. The whirlwind of landing the unbelievable guy, or the wild lady, becomes a way to keep a vicious cycle going. 

If you feel like I’ve just described you, there’s an answer. You must internally resolve you own wounds. That all starts with not handing your power over to another. You cannot look to another person to heal your core, childhood wounds. 

Then, you’ll begin noticing when you feel triggered (when someone presses your “wound” button) and find new, healthier ways to cope. This means no longer using another person as a way to feel safe, normal, and happy. 

Standing up for Yourself

Trauma bonding is so much more common than we think. It feels like genuine chemistry and creates unhealthy patterns. The solution is noticing where your own personal healing is needed. If someone is abusive towards you, the work might not be to move on to the next person, but to stand up for yourself in your relationship. This is a chance to do what you didn’t have the chance to do with your mother or father as a child. It’s a beautiful opportunity to heal, transform, and grow by responding differently. 

In short, if you’re constantly seeking thrilling relationships, you might really be seeking a person that will light up your wound. The “nice” guy or girl might seem too boring, but don’t let that fool you...

Relationships bring up our deepest wounds. But if you’re on a rollercoaster ride that never allows you to get your needs met, you will stay stuck in a vicious cycle. And at that point, is it really worth the “thrill?”

My suggestion to you is simple… You might want to take a deeper look into what is being recreated on this rollercoaster ride, and find the real reason why the intensity and thrill is there. You can still find a true and healthy connection with another person that provides thrills through genuine understanding… and, you’ll have the chance to get your needs met, once and for all.